As the pandemic continues, without an end date in sight, it tests the relationships of many couples. Susan Myres, president of the American Academy of Marriage Lawyers, discusses what divorce lawyers see across the country; what you see in your own practice here in Houston; and what he does if he thinks he can no longer settle for his own marriage.
What do you see about the effect of the pandemic on relationships, whether it’s yours and other members of the American Marriage Attorney Academy?
Every day brings a new wonder about what happens to couples, especially couples who no longer live together. When the pandemic began, the Academy, in collaboration with the Association of Family Courts and Conciliation Courts, drew up a list of seven rules for parents, i.e. parents facing an order that includes periods of possession, children, and all sorts of things. come into play when other people are no longer in a relationship.
We responded to an immediate need. In March, when many lockouts occurred, it was spring break. And spring break, under the legal orders of the maximum circle of relatives, one parent or the other had possession. So a big question that arose was: Should I return the child? Or can I keep the child?
Our governor in Texas has sent a warrant saying that even if schools are not in session, we will pretend, for the purposes of orders, that the school is still in session.
We received phone calls: do I have to return the children? My ex-mother says I probably wouldn’t give them back.
And then there are the fights for safety. Is the user safe? Aren’t they safe? Is it a social estrangement? Do you have parties?
Everything that is happening across the country has intensified to a monumental degree in our circle of legal bodies of family members because, I am sure it is not surprising, other people who are no longer a couple do not tend to accept as true with each other.
As the pandemic continues, what kind of effects do you see?
Some conflicts stand out: and problems of the parents.
With the child or spouse, with any court order in which others agree to pay all other monetary obligations, when other people do not have the monetary means, there will be a struggle.
The economic effect of the pandemic has had an effect on people’s ability to pay child support, and all parents and children would have greater monetary desires. If young people no longer go to school, it may be more expensive to care for young people, to look after the desires that schools fulfill. This will cause all kinds of difficulties.
Add this to other parent struggles for your children. Do they go to school? Do they go to school in a practical or face-to-face manner? What kind of paper will parents take on? Who will sacrifice your career if it is mandatory for distance learning?
Across the country, these problems are being addressed in disparate ways. In some places, the courts are open and can take care of everything. But elsewhere, like Houston, we do well to deal with emergencies.
What do you see with couples still together? Does the pandemic put more pressure on your relationships?
It exposes relationship difficulties as if it were a magnifying glass. The difficulties are compounded.
When things get tough, parents or couples with smart communication skills will be fine. They will be charged taxes because it is a very conflicting period. But they’ll get there because they have the tools. They know how to argue constructively, how to get away when things are going well, and how to do it in a way that runs away from the challenge but treats it productively.
Couples who have intelligent communication skills, couples who conflict with disorders or personality traits, couples who are in conflict because they have intelligent coping skills, they’re going to have a lot of problems. We’ve noticed a build-up of calls to domestic violence.
And according to the Academy’s research, we are now seeing an increase in the number of divorce calls. That surprised us. The main explanation for why appeals are known is not, as you would have guessed, the disorders raised through COVID-19 with respect to custody and child support. She’s asking for a divorce.
This is a survey conducted through the American Marriage Bar Academy, asking members what they see.
We did a survey in April and then we followed up recently. In early April, the pandemic caused a significant drop in the rotation of the circle of family lawyers across the country. Business seems to be booming now, and divorce orders are on the rise.
Do other people think that the blockade, “I can’t stand it, do I have to get out of this marriage?”
At least they’re thinking about it. The next question is whether they’re acting.
It’s one of those moments when talking about things out of hate, under a strong emotion, or under the influence of anything that makes you act without your impulses, is not a sensible decision.
Let’s say I’m fighting with my husband, they gave it to me, and I broke the word “divorce.” Why would I do that?
Sometimes when you say something like that, you say it if you weren’t serious. You say the word D and your wife says, “All right, let’s go!”
In some couples, one of the spouses says the D-word, so for so long, it sounds really empty, until we indicate the divorce papers.
And yes, we searched the divorce papers. The pandemic prevented the deposits. He slowed them down, but they took over. Most of our offices face as many divorce cases as they did last year, even if it’s a little more.
I suspect, and the investigation confirms, that we’re going to have an increase from other people who need to end relationships.
What are the difficulties of separating now? The pandemic makes everything harder. But separation is especially difficult.
We’ve already talked about finance. So, if there have been tensions over the monetary facets of the couple, you’ll get them through this divorce.
We want to find out if anyone’s going to leave the house. Is it imaginable? Or is it imaginable that this couple can also stay in combination during the divorce? Maybe not. Or is it financially feasible for either of you to move? Maybe not. They might want to sell anything to get there.
Usually, when a divorce is filed, transitional orders are placed in position to prevent others from fleeing with cash and acting without the consent of the other party. But now things are more confusing because we can’t get to court so fast.
In places where we can’t go to court, initial mediations can come to the rescue. If either party has an attorney, we can agree to locate an impartial user to help us mediate a mess: how we go to deal with transitional orders, where young people pass, where they go to school, where other people pass live, who will pay what – to deal with all the small initial main points before reaching the divorce stage.
Virtual treatment has also come to the rescue. During our customer consultations, it is vital that we ask them if they are sure there is no possibility of reconciliation. Most of our attorneys have a strong group of intellectual fitness professionals who refer their clients to, and remote access treatment is a blessing. I don’t want to locate who’s geographically convenient for Array
We don’t need other people to take this life-changing resolution just for COVID. He’s not smart for anyone. He’s not smart for his kids. This isn’t smart for the couple. And he’s not smart for society.
Do you have any concepts of which couples are going through COVID and who have the deepest problems?
I’ve read a couple of things about it. One recommendation is: “Compare the arguments before COVID and the arguments that happen COVID”.
If the topic is the same, COVID will develop it. If the theme is similar to COVID – safety and social distance, whether we are going to wear a mask or not, whether we are traveling or not – it is more similar to COVID.
If I’m thinking of separating from my wife or partner, what do I do?
The first thing you need to do is touch who knows what you’re talking about: a company or lawyer who doesn’t necessarily intend to file a divorce. You need me to ask you the questions that make you think. You need data so that before you make a decision, you have enough knowledge to know what separation or divorce will look like.
It is not for me, or other lawyers, to have a query and never listen to the user again. What they needed was to know that divorce wasn’t what they were looking for and, in fact, it wasn’t what they needed now.
How do I find a lawyer?
You’re going to have to do some research. Talk to friends who have divorced and find out what their pleasure has been. If you visit the American Academy website, there are about 130 in Texas. Most of them will give you a smart recommendation on whether you want.
If either party agrees to wish for divorce, you probably don’t want to spend a lot of cash; we can make these documents reasonably. But if there’s going to be a major conflict, you want someone to have those skills. Law firms with partners can manage the wide range.
To see what the notes are. There are avvo.com and all kinds of notes for lawyers.
It’s worth talking to some lawyers. It’s like opting for a therapist or a doctor: you need someone to suit your needs, but possibly not just reflect what you need to hear. He needs someone to give him a truth check.
In Texas, many laws are based on formulas. So, if a lawyer promises, “I can get you 90% of the estate,” that’s just unrealistic. You need someone to say, “They start us with the presumption of a 50-50 division, and they start us from there. We assume that the rules of the children are in place.”
During these consultations, we wonder if it is financially imaginable for others to divorce at this time. For some of our partners, this is not the case. It just won’t be economically viable.
Economy of scale happens when you’re in a relationship. Costs are divided. Two will live for the same value that only one will live. You will get double the rent or space payments. You’re going to have utilities. You’re going to have a means of transportation.
People will want a task, and it’s difficult to locate a task right now, especially if a user hasn’t been in the job market and wants to receive training, etc.
To create a way for others to get divorced when finances are strained, lawyers want smart information. Do you have a circle of family resources that you can count on? Do you have a friend or someone you can move in with?
Now, let me upload anything: if there is a risk of domestic violence or real domestic violence, skip the discussion about finances and get to safety. That’s the best. During COVID, as I mentioned, we have noticed an increase in calls to domestic violence and the occurrence of intimate violence ending in death is also increasing.
In Texas, we have legal delivery of alcohol to your home. Well, if you already have a tense date and coping skills are bad, it’s not a smart concept to load this accelerator on fire.
I am interested in the fact that in cases where violence is a component of the equation, couples who communicate with divorce lawyers now seek to figure out how to stay together. Do you have any clients who did that?
Do. In fact, it had four pending cases when COVID retaliated in March. These couples decided, “Let’s put the matter on hold and let’s see to solve the problem.” Unfortunately, two of them have chosen to resume the divorce process.
I hope that informed customers will review to make a decision: “Is this the right time to divorce?” If you haven’t tried marriage counseling, look for marriage counseling.
One of the recommendations we give parents in the divorce process is perfectly applicable to everyone else in a relationship: look for a position to be benefactor and kind. Being a married user is a job. It’s hard. It’sArray hard. It takes a lot of work. And now, with the pandemic, the tension of being under one another’s feet rises to that, not being able to leave space and have independence.
You can do all sorts of things to calm that fire. And that’s important. When both members of the couple are in charged emotional states, that’s not the time to decide whether divorce is something they really want. It shouldn’t be taken flippantly.
We’re lucky in Houston. Think of those people from Manhattan: not only were they trapped in very small apartments, but they even went out into the dangerous hallway. At least in our domain you can get on your car and you can drive around 610 for a bit, just to separate.
What else are we thinking about now, with COVID and our relationship?
Perhaps one way to help a date is to communicate to each other about it, to say, “What would help in this situation?” – and have those complicated conversations.
Before you fight, ask: Is this fight? Consider this Eastern philosophy of avoiding war until you are ready for it.
Marriage counselors claim that couples have a romantic date. Well, the date night is hard now when you can’t go anywhere. But can you do something special?
Try what brought you in combination and play it.
Try a way to yield the area when the area is limited. And again, try to be nice. And be generous.
I’m surprised that other people who swore their love in front of witnesses are willing to divorce. You deserve to avoid this if you can.
This interview was amended for reasons of length and clarity.
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Lisa Gray is a senior editor at the Office of Functions. Previously, she held several of Chronicle’s most attractive positions: digital editor, corporate editor, editorial board member, functioning editor, columnist, and, most importantly, founding editor of Grey Matters, The Chronicle named “Best Blog” in Texas for 3 years in a row.
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